I was born into an incredibly abusive family. My father did everything he could to convince me and my sister that our mother didn't care about us. Of course, her negligence, oblivion, and string of abusive husbands only added fuel to the fire. My sister became a quiet, good child with dysphoria and an eating disorder. I became an emotionally unstable, bipolar, attention seeking child with autistic tendencies and social unawareness. We experienced a lot of bullying. I took the brunt of it from our father and step fathers. Our parents had split custody and my father hated my mother's four consecutive other abusive husbands. Ironically, he was the most abusive. He beat me for little to no reason and grabbed me by my throat, called me the f word, the c word, and the b word, etc. My mother knew how abusive he was and never did anything to stop it.

I was 14 when I found solace in my neighborhood friends, my first found family. I became the token white boy because I'd you some of the wildest delinquencies. I still never fit in at school and couldn't make friends at school and in school settings. I got into weed and into hood rat activities.

As a young man I hated myself and would try to commit suicide every few months. I was in and out of jail and mental institution. I turned to sex work as a means of dealing with poverty and starvation. I turned hard drugs to deal with the act of sex work and the feelings of shame.

After 4 years of serious drug addiction, I went to Red Oak recovery. My parents help because the guilt weighed heavy on their minds. For years I didn't speak to them and I seldomly came around. At first, I was in denial about my drug addiction since I used sporadically. Though the frequency of the use was increasing. It was at Red Oak recovery that I met Saucha and Devaaya. I was truly blown away by how amazing they were as people the love they are capable of radiating was unlike anything I had ever encountered. It was a few months prior I swore against love and trying to be kind and good. I wanted to hurt others because empathy was something I had it with. While I was getting clean, I broke down sobbing, all the pain of my life had surfaced. This helped me work with and feel all the trauma I've been avoiding. After a couple hours in this state Devaaya did an energy transference meditation with me where I returned this pain back to God. I've now been sober 3 years. Of course, this wasn't a fix-all I still had a lot more work to do and reparenting to do.

I still drank, and smoked weed with greater moderation. I decided to start working with Jnanda, at first I was very lazy and uncommitted to the process. In hubris, I thought I knew more than I did. Jnanda had to be firm with me a couple of times before I dislodge my head from my rear end and began taking things seriously. I saw how Devaaya was because of Jnanda’s training and wanted the same thing for myself. I decided to trust the process. I gave up reefer all together and no longer drink to get drunk. Jnanda is an excellent mentor. Imagine a therapist that holds you accountable while offering practical solutions for your life problems instead of pedaling dope. I have never met a man so truly selfless. Eventually I earned the privilege of going to the ashram. I apologize for being long-winded, I wanted to share this because my story encouraged a new student to stick it out and trust the process. Everyone at the ashram is super sweet and welcoming. They feel like a found family. Everyone I met there has a special place in my heart. I want to make it a home away from home I can foster and grow every year. My aim for this testimonial is to encourage others to grow in this loving community.

Sincerely, Jacob Smith